What My Reading List is Telling Me: TRUST

Of the books I read the past two months, here are five I highly recommend:

1. Last Man Standing by Duff McDonald

More than a business book, this is a leadership book. It's the story of Jamie Dimon, CEO & Chairman of JP Morgan Chase, chronicling his rise from being Sandy Weil's partner in building the giant Citigroup, being fired by his mentor, making an amazing comeback, and in many ways helping stabilize the financial situation in America (and the world). 

Some key lessons:

The importance of preparing for succession - Sandy Weil was legendary. He had built the biggest financial institution in the world, Citigroup, but his ego, his inability to let go, and prepare a brash, intense, but hard working and highly talented Jamie Dimon, prevented him from having the "best banker" as his successor. That also cost his company billions on losses while JP Morgan, under Dimon's leadership, stood out.

Principles are a solid foundation - The book described Dimon as a highly principled individual who made principled, sometimes unpopular, but ultimately defining choices that put him in a better spot than most when things got tough.

2. Permission Marketing by Seth Godin

This, at least to me, is Seth Godin's best book. It's an old book but still very relevant. It's a classic. 

Key Lesson:

It's still about trust - With so many products being offered, so many causes being promoted, so many faiths, so many movements, so many choices, and options, and variations, how does one stand out? By earning trust. It's a slow process but it's the one that brings results.

3. Satisfaction by Chris Denove and JD Power IV

I'm reading this again. This time with a highlighter. This book talks about meeting expectations - not your expectations - but the expectations your customers.

Key lesson:

Taken from the foreword: " Good is not good enough when better is expected."

I realized this when I had made a short payment to my creditor bank. No matter how much I explained the situation, no matter how rosy my projections of tomorrow, no matter how hard I had worked, and it didn't matter that I had given them all I had - it didn't matter - I had paid short. I had missed expectations. This was quickly solved when I was somehow able to give the full amount. 

And it's the same way with our customers, audience, staff, followers, members, whatever, if we promote a certain standard, we create certain expectations, and it's our duty to meet these expectations.

4. The End of Christianity by William A. Dembski

Thought provoking book written by a very intelligent writer, mathematician, and theologian all rolled into one. I'm not too big a fan of self-help (or God-help?) Christian books that mostly like to talk about how "I" can be successful, or how "I" will become great, or how "I" will become rich, or other ways for the "I" to rise up. As if the point of Christianity is "ME" and that having no problems, no worries, and no shortages are a sign of being blessed. Living in the real world, with so much poverty, so much disease, and hurt, and brokenness, I am reminded over and over agan that there are problems, I do worry, and I do lack - BUT I'm still blessed not because "I" can rise up but because greater is He that is in me. And this is what I like about this book. It takes me back to God's greatness and the greatness of His plan, which is more than meeting our worldly standard of what a good life is, but really the end (result) of Christianity is "the radical realignment of our thinking so that we see God's goodness in creation despite the  distorting effects of sin in our hearts and evil in the world."

5. Viral Loop by Adam L. Penenberg

Another old book but still worth reading, Viral Loop tells stories of the growth of some of the most amazing innovations today including Facebook and Twitter. The book talks about the word "viral" a lot or the idea of a virus that almost seems to spread itself, reinforcing itself in networks and creating positive feedback loops, and the end result is an explosion. 

Key Lesson:

It starts with a great product - No matter how great your infrastructure for a virally implemented strategy, if you don't have a compelling product, as judged by your customers, not you, you'll never have a successful viral loop.

The common denominator: TRUST

Whether you're selling a product, raising funds for a foundation, or for yourself, or selling a home or insurance, or a car, or a clothes, or mentoring, or teaching, or preaching, or whatever, what you're doing is you're building or breaking trust. And we can find the best excuse, even valid ones, but at the end of the day we don't decide whether we deserve someone's trust, they do. If people aren't buying our brands, or products, or services, or teaching, or ideas, it only means we haven't earned their trust enough OR what we're offering isn't trustworthy.

My dad likes to say that TRUST is the foundation of relationship. And it's important that we have a trust-worthy foundation. The financial world crashed on credit trouble. The word credit comes from the word credere or "to believe". The financial world crashed because people stopped believing. They stopped trusting in the system and a lot of the wealth was revealed for what it was: vapor.

Churches become irrelevant because people stop believing - usually not in God right away, but in the representation of His people. 

When people stop believing - stop trusting - the show starts to end. Sadly, sometimes it's an unbreakable trust barrier that keeps us from some of the most rewarding things. Such as a broken relationship with a spouse or a parent, or even with God.

The good news is trust can be earned, and if lost, it can be regained (though it's more difficult). But there's an element of time in trust, so the earlier you start building the better off you'll be.

Brothers Bonifacio - Valentines Day

A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man.
- Don Vito Corleone to Johnny Fontane, from The Godfather

L.O.V.E, it's a mystery
Where you’ll find me, where you’ll find
All is Love, is love, is love, is love
- Karen O, All is Love from Where the Wild Things Are


Valentine's Day
Contrary to what people might think, I actually like Valentine's day. Growing up, my ever thoughtful mom used to put heart-shaped patterned goodie bags filled with heart-shaped chocolates, heart-shaped gummies, and other heart, cupid, rose, or some similar Valentine's-cliche-shaped sweet. My brothers and I already had the best lunch boxes, we each had one cooler (Yes, a cooler.) of Ritz Bits, mini Chips Ahoy, some fruit leather (Which I used to refer to as Fruit of the Loom until I saw the underwear. You can't chew on those, well, you can, but you'd look like an idiot.), milk in a pack (Of course we had to have milk.), granola bars, and on Valentine's Day our treasure chest turned into a personal ADHD resource.

As if we weren't hyper enough.

Valentine's has changed for us now that we are older, such as Joe's traditional car stalling when Carla and he celebrate Valentine's. I think Tammy the Tamaraw is jealous that she no longer gets Joe's undivided attention. I think it started changing for me the first time I gave a bunch of roses to a girl. I got the colors all wrong and gave her white ones because I wanted mine to stand out. Now I know that tradition matters more than color - so stick to red. But I'm sure she liked them anyway. Because she told me she liked me like crazy.

Or did she say she was crazy for liking me?

I forget.

It doesn't matter. Everyone who likes anyone like crazy is crazy for liking anyone like crazy. If you found that confusing, well, so did I. But that's part of the fun.

My parents seem to have warmed-up to our bringing females to meet the family, especially with Carla and Kristie around. At one of our recent dinners, my dad had reserved the seat next to him for Carla, for his new daughter, so that he could tell her to start calling her pop. He's sentimental that way. Which is also why he watches Joe's wedding video for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

It wasn't always this way. I remember on one of my birthdays, my mom gave me a copy of Joshua Harris' book I Kiss Dating Goodbye. I gave it away the next day. Christmas that year she gave me another copy. What kind of sadistic mom gives a book like that for Christmas??? I think I used that copy to build a camp fire or something. She then gave me a third copy on my birthday the next year with terrible acting, “Oh have I given you a copy of this?” “Um.. YEAH... for the past three disappointing gift occasions.” With me, they always had this idea that I only went out with females solely because of their looks. Which was absurd. All of them, and they're not as many as my brothers make them out to be, were attractive, interesting, and incredible in their own different way. But I wouldn't recommend my path to anyone, in fact, after witnessing Joe's wedding, I'd suggest you emulate him, not so much so that you'll bag an actress, but so that we'll see how God works when we let Him. Ok I shouldn't use the word “bag”, but you get the point. Besides, I prefer someone low-key and away from the limelight so that I don't have to worry about getting photographed while I'm picking my nose or losing my temper on the tennis court.


February 14, 2010
Earlier today, the family, which is pop and mom, Joe, Josh, and their better halves, Carla and Kristie, and I got together for a home made Valentine's lunch. Not to be undone, I invited my own friend from Japan who is also into sailing. I only realized later on that he was the same friend I brought to Christmas dinner when my mom mentioned it. Which prompted Josh to say:

“So, David. Are you trying to tell us something? Are you introducing him to the family?”

My brother is insane, and my other seemingly angelic but also quite as crazy older brother and he decided to pick on the remaining single brother by playing a twist to a family favorite game called What Would You Rather. This one is called David, Who Would You Rather End Up With.

Brothers: David, who would you rather end up with... K or I?
David: I don't know them both.
Brothers: Just based on looks.
David: I don't know how they look.
Mom: You don't? K has nice legs.
David: Yikes mom...
Mom: Here. (Showing me a picture of K on her computer)
David: It's blurry. I can't see the detail. I like detail.
Mom: You like detail? Here. She has a nice necklace.
David: Like that matters when you're married... More like, does she like classical music?
Brothers: Like THAT matters...

Brothers: C or H?
David: C.
Brothers: Woohoo!

Brothers: What about C or P?
David: Definitely P.
Brothers: What happened to C?
David: P is hotter.
Brothers: Woohoo!

Brothers: P or R?
David: R by far.
Brothers: Nice to know you still have some substance left.

Brothers: P or P?
David: P. Like I said earlier, she's hotter.
Brothers: There goes the substance.

So the game went on. F or Y? C or T? P or Z? A or double X? Actress or business woman? Chef or athlete? Musician or writer? Old or older? (Note: The letters I put are random. They do not correspond to anyone specifically. Well, they do, but not logically but by chance.)

All this talk got me thinking, "Who is someone I can't live without?" It didn't take long for me to realize. Because if you were to ask me if I would rather be doing anything else, I would tell you no. I can't think of anything I enjoy more than being with my family – even if I am the seventh wheel, and even if it means enduring another round of Who Would You Rather.

It's always been clear, that having some-one to yourself doesn't really matter when you're surrounded by the ones who mean everything.

Besides, I'm saving up for a sailboat.

Flawed Heroes

The business of making a difference is not exclusive to the perfect – in fact, if you were to look closely at the people who have made some of the biggest contributions to humanity, you’d almost think it’s exclusive to the imperfect and to seriously flawed people – and you’d be right.

Housekeeping

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

– Theodore Roosevelt

I have to warn you that this is not going to be as funny as the last blog. It’s actually not funny at all. I just need to do some housekeeping.

And the winner is…
First of all, I’d like to award the first winner of my “Best Question” contest to Marie Ayongao. Marie, send me your address (privately message me so that I can have it delivered to you) and choose whether you want a Molekine with lines (like I do) or with no lines (as the purists prefer).

Marie asked me whether I would sign a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) form or how to deal with the issue of euthanasia or semi-euthanasia in our hospitals. And to be completely honest, I didn’t have a substantial answer, one because it was about 2am, but also because it’s not a topic I’m too familiar with or consider as a main advocacy. But it did make me realize that there are so many issues, some general, some specific, that are all valid and must be dealt with.

So here’s my answer in a nutshell:
I really don’t know. “I don’t know” by the way is a real answer know-it-alls should try sometimes. I’m pro-life, in the sense that I would be against the taking of a life simply because of pain, inconvenience, or handicap. But because I don’t know enough on this topic, such as the legalities or practices of institutions, I can’t really give suggestion on what to do except this: If this is a cause or a concern that is burning in your heart, maybe it’s because God is telling you to do something about it.

Some of you may have a similar stirring, a similar discontent, or a similar discomfort with the way things are – and when you feel this way, as soon as you feel this way, ask God, “What do you want me to do?” I believe great change for the better will come when each one finds his or her own passion, and does his or her part, in his or her sphere. So keep your eyes seeing, your ears listening, your heart feeling, and the rest of your body ready to serve.

Fans & the Opposite
I’d like to thank everyone for all the kind words and comments on my last post Brothers Bonifacio – Our Father’s Favor. It was especially nice of those who made the extra effort to send me a personal message. From the words of encouragement, to spelling and grammatical corrections, as well bringing attention to my insensitivity to people’s sensibilities, and to suggestions on how I could improve things, I read and appreciate them all. I’ll reply to them as promptly as I can.

Next, I’d like to thank my brothers. If you guys didn’t do so many crazy things (getting married for one) I wouldn’t have anything to write about.

I’d also like to thank my critics, the regular ones and the new ones. (Of course I’m not counting those who prefer not to say anything. Could be more.) Thank you for being there for me.

“You make me want to be a better man.”

The process with me is simple. It’s like a pimple. You can ignore it, you can cover it up, or you can treat it. I prefer treatment. So if you see that I have a pimple, you point it out, and as soon as I can, I go to the dermatologist and have it treated. If, for whatever reason the treatment is delayed or needs follow-up sessions, I apologize, but you’ll have to live with the pimple on my face until it’s clear.

Son of a Preacher Man
Sometimes I get asked by people how I can be so arrogant, chauvinistic, crass, cynical, mean, self-effacing and at the same time talk about helping the poor, going to God, and having the right values. They ask, “Don’t you see the contradiction?” and this is usually followed by my favorite line, one I’ve been hearing quite regularly for most of my life, “You’re supposed to be a son of a pastor.”

Actually, I’m more like the son of a preacher man.

Some of you won’t get that.

Seriously, the answer is yes, I do see the contradiction. I think the fact that I’m actually not that good or nice a guy is the most obvious thing in the world. It’s this reality of my shortcomings mixed-in with a desire to make a positive contribution in people’s lives that produces this tension – this contradiction.

But it’s also an authentic representation of myself and of the stories I share.

And I think these contradictions can be found in most people if not everyone.

We’re a mix of aspirations and dreams, and we want to become better, to be significant, but also included, holding us back, are our fears and insecurities, lusts and passions, our lack of discipline and self-control, the baggage of our wrong decisions, the habits we have to unlearn, the offenses we harbor and defenses we’ve erected.

We’re a mix of contradictions.

I know I am.

That’s why I go to God. Not because He’s going to zap me with lightning (some of you are thinking: so that explains the hair) or give me an ugly girlfriend every time I do something wrong, (if that were the case I’d have a harem of medusas, and clearly that is not the case), but really because of two reasons:

1. I don’t stand a chance without Him – I don’t stand a relational chance, I don’t stand a moral chance, or a behavioral chance, I don’t stand a financial chance, I don’t stand an emotional chance, a righteous chance, or an intellectual chance, I simply don’t stand a chance. So I go to Him, each morning, every evening, sometimes in faith, sometimes in doubt, sometimes anxious, sometimes in joy and hope, many times in repentance, and I cast it all.

2. And I am grateful, because not only does He welcome me, but even more, He includes me in His plan, and gives me another chance to participate in the great life of making a difference in others.

The business of making a difference is not exclusive to the perfect – in fact, if you were to look closely at the people who have made some of the biggest contributions to humanity, you’d almost think it’s exclusive to the imperfect and to seriously flawed people – and you’d be right. Because these are the ones who took chances, made mistakes, suffered consequences, learned, made more mistakes, more consequences, learned more, and ended up with…

… discovery. I love that word. Partly because it starts with the letter “D” (which is absolutely my favorite letter), but because it means something was unveiled. That in the process of stepping out, falling, hurting, learning, rising, and on, something was revealed, a truth that gives you another chance, another better chance. And when that truth is spread it shares that better chance with others.

And that leads us to what I want to share with you in my next post: Overwhelming Compassion. It’s about taking all the chances God gives us to grow, to mature, and to remember to value every opportunity, every new chance, to make a difference in the lives of others.

Wait for it…

Brothers Bonifacio: Our Father's Favor

I was wondering
Was I dreaming
But it's true
Life's unfolding
I'll be growing
Old with you
Still many things unplanned
But take my hand
The future's vast
Let's make our love last
- Let's Make Our Love Last (the song I wrote for Joseph and Carla's wedding)

"I promise to constantly pursue you, make you feel loved and wanted... because you're worth it."
- Sapster


January 28, 2010
The night before the wedding, while sharing our last casita with Joe before he clamped on his ball and chain, I asked him, "You sure about this? It's not too late to back out you know?"

He just looked at me and shook his head.

January 29, 2010 - right before marching
Me: "Joe. This is your last chance. Once the music starts there's no turning back."
Joe: Shaking his head again.
Me: "Don't say I didn't warn you."

So we marched. Like guards escorting a convict down his final green mile, we walked the sandy aisle. Then Pastor Steve administered his last rites, and before you know it pronounced the sentence: man and wife.

I'm convinced Cupid has us fooled. He isn't a baby in Pampers with a mini bow and arrow. In fact, I think he sort of looks like General Rommel, The Desert Fox, and drives around in a massive tank. When that turret is aimed at you, it's not to pierce your heart. It's prepared to blow you away. Blow you away for good.

I've taken a few shrapnel wounds myself but Joe sustained a direct hit. The blast was so strong it threw him into a white suit and Korean bangs.

Seriously, my "non-showbiz" brother, Joseph's wedding to his "showbiz" best friend Carla "Rica" Peralejo was amazing. I was so proud of my brother because he looked every bit the man that he really is, still slightly geeky with his Zoolander Magnum look, but also decidedly confident, and prepared to take on this responsibility. Most importantly he was a testimony of God honoring a man that has dedicated his life to honoring Him.

It was both an encouragement and a gentle rebuke to me.

Carla looked especially beautiful. I mean she's pretty, everyone knows that. She's an actress - she has to be. But the way she looked that day was something else. It wasn't "hot" or "sexy" or "cute" or "pretty". It wasn't the kind that makes you think "Wow, Joe's going to have one heck of a night tonight." (Though that was probably in Josh's mind.) This one was BEAUTIFUL - pure, unadulterated, un-manufactured radiance.

Before the wedding was over Josh and I had agreed, "Joe's going to have one heck of a night tonight." ("But you just said…" I know. I know. That's what you get for growing up in a group of three boys.)

I heard a lot of hearts were broken that day. I'm not surprised. People like beauty. Carla is beautiful for obvious reasons, Joe, has a beautiful… um… mind?

A lot of hearts were also lit alive with love on that perfect day, in a perfect place, with a perfect sky, and a perfect breeze, when two imperfect people were perfected in love by a commitment to a union with each other and our Lord.


Thank Yous
The wedding was executed very well. Thanks to Pastor Steve (officiating minister, and really our third father: God, then Pop, then Pastor Steve), Teena Baretto (amazing wedding planner), the master storytellers Lito Sy (photos) and Jason Magbanua (video), Seren8 (music), Josiah's (food), Tita Pin Antonio (renowned hair stylist and another close friend of the couple's), Tito Gary Valenciano (song numbers), always a treat to have him, Donita Rose and Pastor Dennis Sy (hosts), and I must add Franco Laurel and Archie Castillo (who respectively sang and arranged the song I wrote). I'm sure I missed people but this isn't really my job. Joe for sure will be thanking everyone when he's not so preoccupied.

You understand of course. As he said in his own speech, he has to "conserve energy".

I was actually surprised they showed up at the house yesterday. If I was Joe, and had a license to kill, I would fire away.

That's probably why he's the married one.

Anyway...

Joshua Strikes Again
Earlier before the wedding, my dad and I were trying to get Joshua to prepare for his toast. He couldn't understand why he had to prepare anything when all he had to say was "CHEERS!"

So he thought…

When Paula, Carla's sister, shared a well-prepared heart-felt message, Josh all of a sudden felt pressured to say something. So to buy him some time he did an impromptu dance that was followed by an incredibly funny impromptu speech. I can't do justice to what he said so I'm hoping someone posts a video of his toast.

He ended his speech by toasting to "Beuwolf!"

Why? Who knows?

Josh and I are opening a Bestmen for hire business with Teena. This actually matches Proposals by David. Isn't matrimonial capitalism beautiful? Back in William Wallace's day all you needed was a guy and a girl, a priest, a horse, and a lake. Today, you have a billion dollar industry.


Next?
I get the thought process. My older brother gets married so it's only logical that his direct younger brother is next. But that logic only works if age and birth order were the only criteria for eligibility. In reality both aren't as important as, let's say, shared values and same taste in music. (Seriously, the former is a need, the latter a want.)

I don't know if this is true, but about 4628 couples get married every day. So there have been more than 12,000 couples who have gone next already, and if, let's say again, I stay single for another 10 years, that would give us a formula and results of 4628 couples/day X 365 days/year X 10 years = 16,892,200 couples X 2 person/couple = 33,784,400 people next.

In short, I'm not next.


Changes
There's going to be a few changes in our household. For one, there's going to be more food in the fridge. Joe eats a lot. And my clothes won't keep disappearing. Looking forward to that.

But we're also going to miss Wyatt Earp aka King Arthur aka D'artagnan aka Simon the Chipmunk. I feel like a comrade in arms was lost - lost to matrimony, that great unknown where none come back the same - if at all.

The bar is really set high, now that Joseph "sapster" Bonifacio has joined the leagues of Lord Byron with his "I promise to constantly pursue you, make you feel loved and wanted... because you're worth it." I'm seeing his quote all over the place followed by statements such as "Can I clone you Joe?" "I'm waiting for my Joe." "the Legend of Joe Bonifacio" and my personal favorites "Oh my Joe" and "Santa, wrap me a Joe I've been good this year."

Ok, I made those last two up.

Being positive about it, we do gain something my brothers and I have always wanted: a sister. Finally, my mother has another female to plan tea parties and cross-stitch with.

Just kidding.

I have a sister now, and I love the thought of it.

Technically, Joe doesn't have one yet. He'll have to wait for 33,784,400 people to go first. Unless Josh surprises us.

Now I need a new title for this series. Bonifacio Brothers and Chick, Bonifacio Brothers and Female, Bonifacio Brothers and Wife, Bonifacio Brothers and XX Chromosome. It's late. I don't want to think.


Our Father's Favor
My brothers and I, like many other children, have had to live under the shadow of expectations for most of our lives, such as spiritual expectations, moral expectations, achievement expectations, behavioral expectations, conduct expectations, financial expectations, relational expectations, and others, some of which we have placed on ourselves, but many of which just comes with being the children of my parents. I've struggled with the knowledge that given all my flaws there's no way I can live up to these standards. I'm sure my brothers have felt the same at times, and maybe some of you have your own versions.

But standing at my brother's wedding that day, watching a miracle called marriage take place, and it was a miracle, I felt our Father, Joe's Father, my Father, your Father, our Father, impress in my heart, "Isn't this greater than what you expected? See what I can do when you let me?"

And again, another humbling moment for this arrogant middle son. I thought to myself, "Yes, I see."

So I'm reminding myself to forget the expectations, and release the criticism, to stop struggling and striving, and to remember to obey and to trust. Because even as I was brought down another notch in my never-ending need for humbling, I heard His voice once again in my heart say, "Then let me do greater things for you."

My Brother's Wedding Video

Carla (Rica) Peralejo and Joe Bonifacio's Same Day Edit from Jason Magbanua on Vimeo.
Want to share the video of my brother's recent wedding. Joseph is a pastor at Victory Christian Fellowship while Carla (Rica is her screen name) is a very popular actress in the Philippines.

My Brother's Wedding

A lot of hearts were lit alive with love on that perfect day, in a perfect place, with a perfect sky, and a perfect breeze, when two imperfect people were perfected in love by a commitment to a union with each other and our Lord.