I had not felt it for a while, His pleasure I mean. I felt my own, I felt the recognition, the admiration of others, but true pleasure, to feel that someone is utterly, completely pleased with me was elusive.
I stopped feeling His pleasure when I made Him a means to pleasure and fulfillment. When figuring out His principles to arrive at my dream place and position was more important that seeing Him, the person of Christ.
Most guilty am I of doing this to my relationship with God.
I had demoted Him in my heart.
I desired the blessing, forgot the blesser, and missed the blessing altogether because the blessing is Him.
I desired the promise more than the promise-giver, and let go of the promise anyway when the reality of my doubts proved more convincing, forgetting that He who promised is faithful.
Now, like the day pushing back the night, the dark shroud covering the miracles of my life is removed by the light, revealing the handiwork of providence. As I follow this light to its source, I am more and more blinded by the brightest prisms beaming from the most glorious of grooms.
"Walk down the aisle", He invites.
Yet I've walked this before, as a child, as an adolescent, many times in my young life.
As if hearing my thoughts, I hear Him speak:
"But you have been an unfaithful bride. How many times have you run away and chosen to be pleasured by others? How many times have you rejected my joy to enjoy the compliments of liars and thieves? How many times have you chosen the practical advice of those who cannot save instead of my promises too grand for you?"
In humble admission, in shame, I can only reply, "I cannot deny what You say is true. I have been a fool to exchange the goodness You gave for my pride, fear, and impatience. I am lost. I see I have brought on my own pain. Why then are we here? Is it my punishment to look at Your glory forever and be reminded in every cell of my body that I miss You and no longer have You?"
"Walk down the aisle." Is His response. "Renew Your vows to me as I have renewed my vows to You."
And in this cosmic ceremony, as the universe asks this righteous King, "Do You take this harlot to be thy bride?" I hear His most reassuring voice in a two word promise, "I do".
Sheer pleasure arrives as I hide in His love. Gone forevermore is the sinner. I am embraced as His bride.